You know the feeling you get when you can’t remember a word, or maybe where you put your car keys? You know you know that word, you know you set your keys down…. somewhere. That knowledge sits in your head, just out of reach but so close you can feel it looming there. You can almost see it, almost feel your mouth forming the word, but you just.. can’t.. quite …. but then you do. It all comes rushing in like a hammer blow and you feel a little silly for how long it took, but you relax your shoulders you didn’t know you’d tensed and release the breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding.
As most, or perhaps all of you know, I lost my job recently. Two weeks today I’ve been unemployed, and while I can’t say that I’m particularly eager to begin working another dead end job that I’ll learn to hate in a year, I am beginning to feel anxious over not having any money. I dislike having to survive on the charity of others. I dislike more the idea of comparing myself to those who are able but unwilling to pull their own weight and support themselves or do their part to care for their families. Most of all, I dislike the realization that I am enjoying not working entirely too much. Oh, I’m going through the motions. I have registered with job seeking sites, I’m updating my resumé, I’ve applied for unemployment, I’m scanning the newspaper for job ads and looking up the classifieds online, and I’m making every effort to get an interview with AAA for the available receptionist position. But I’ve come to realize, through some rather painful self-analyzing, that I’m not doing these things as assiduously as I could. I ought to be conducting my job hunt with a will, but I’m conducting it more with a sense of obligation. I don’t want to get to the point where Etrius and Turtle resent me for not paying my fair share of rent, utilities, food, etc. and I don’t want to leave my parents unable to pay the mortgage I promised I’d pay half of after I moved out until the house is sold. I only wish that I could pay for these things in such a way that it would not seem such a sacrifice of my life, sitting at a desk for 8 hours of every day, trying my best to make people I don’t care for happy so that I don’t get sent away from doing the work I hate doing.
All of this, I’ve been thinking about almost constantly for the last couple of days. I keep thinking about my artwork and the business that Turtle and I want to open. I keep thinking, if only there were some way that I could take the time that I have now.. and these days I have a lot of time.. and use it to make this thing take off before I completely run out of money.
And now, I feel as though I’m on the brink of something. Like I’m teetering between remembering a word I’d suddenly forgotten or losing it from my vocabulary altogether; finding my keys under some papers on the table, or having to have a new one made.
I picture myself standing on a precipice. A step forward and I fall off the ledge, a step behind and I’m pressed to a cliff face. And my choices are this: I can turn back and begin my climb, where the going will be difficult and my body will begin to get weary but I can see where I’m placing my feet and I know the rock is solid if unrelenting and bleak… or I can step out into the open air and trust that the seemingly endless fall into oblivion will instead prove to be only a short drop to a wide platform hidden from above where I can move about freely and fill the space with beautiful things.
I wish I could tell myself that these aren’t just foolish notions. Talk of dreams and of goals set to unattainable levels in order to reach higher than I thought I could is all very well, but when others depend on you or when you don’t want to have to depend on others, practicality and the safety of climbing the cliff face will always win out.
I don’t want to post this. It’s not much for motivation. I’m just trying to get my thoughts in order. Well I’ve done it I suppose.